It's that time of year when the leaves have turned, there's a crisp bite in the air and children (and adults) get cracked out on sugar overload.
I love Halloween. Correction. I loved Halloween. I love the Halloween of yesteryear, when there wasn't a care in the world. When kids would trek 5 miles to get to that one house that had the full-sized candy bars. There was no threat of tainted goodies. No worries of sexual offenders handing out treats. No concerns about 11 year olds going house-to-house, unchaperoned, begging complete strangers for candy just by screaming 'Trick or Treat'.
Today's Halloween is full of over-protective, PTA President parents that drive their kids to a mall to get a bag of candy (all while being attached to a kiddie harness). In fact, businesses and communities are holding Halloween events 4 days before the holiday - what is up with that?
That's like celebrating New Year's Eve on Dec. 26. Not cool.
And then you have your two extreme types of trick-or-treaters. The teenagers who throw a little face paint on and call themselves a clown. The lazy kids who throw a cowboy hat on and call themselves a cowboy. Then there are people who honor the Celtic festival of Samhain by developing the most elaborate costume ever (note Lady Gaga's meat dress? NOT creative).
You might be wondering if I pulled the Celtic reference out of my arse...in fact, I did not.
Some folklorists have detected Halloween's origins in the Roman feast of Pomona, the goddess of fruits and seeds, or in the festival of the dead called Parentalia, it is more typically linked to the Celtic festival of Samhain.
The festival of Samhain celebrates the end of the "lighter half" of the year and beginning of the "darker half", and is sometimes regarded as the "Celtic New Year".
The ancient Celts believed that the border between this world and the Otherworld became thin on Samhain, allowing spirits (both harmless and harmful) to pass through. The family's ancestors were honoured and invited home while harmful spirits were warded off. It is believed that the need to ward off harmful spirits led to the wearing of costumes and masks. Their purpose was to disguise oneself as a harmful spirit and thus avoid harm.
Any holiday that has an Irish history is pretty cool in my book. Ones that allow us to dress up like idiots and overindulge in treats are even better. St. Patrick's Day? Dress up like a leprechaun and drink lots of beer. Halloween? Dress up like a leprechaun and eat lots of candy.
Eating lots of candy I will do this year. I will go to the store and buy in bulk - justifying that it's for the kids. Knowing damn good and well they're all at the Safety Committe's Halloween Extravaganza at the mall. Then, not wanting the candy to go to waste, I will dig into the bowl and pick out my treats...until one by one they disappear into the crevices of my teeth.
Then next year? I won't have to dress up. I will go as a toothless bum.
Monica Stoneking
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
If My Husband Was George Clooney
I like lists. I make lists to go to the grocery store. I have a to-do list at work and a to-do list at home. I have a mental list of people that I absolutely despise (stupid people) and a list of things and people that I love. But, one list, in particular is a staple in the Stoneking house - The If-This-Celebrity-Comes-To-The-House-It's-Okay-For-Them-To-Have-Their-Way-With-Me list.
It's the list of five. The spousal privilege list. The list that I can not argue and, in turn, my husband can not divorce me over.
There are some general rules about the list.
1) People on the list can not be a neighbor, friend, co-worker or relative.
2) People on the list can not be reasonably attainable by person developing list.
3) People on the list must be celebrities in their own right.
4) Not mandatory, but people on the list have a beauty that is unattainable by normal people. (This point can be disputed by significant others but said viewpoint has no bearing on generated list).
I'm not quite sure who is on my husband's list today. Though it seems the people on the list get younger and younger. Or, perhaps, as Matthew McConaughey's character, David Wooderson says in Dazed and Confused, "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
My husband's list used to be all Ashley Judd with a little Kate Beckinsale thrown in. But, ever since she ripped his heart out (and thoroughly trampled on it) by marrying race car driver Dario Franchitti, 10 years ago...on his birthday.
If I were to guess, here is how my husband's list would be today:
1) Minka Kelly
2) Maria Menounos
3) Kate Beckinsale
4) Megan Fox
5) Jessica Biel or Alba (either will do)
Too bad for my husband, it looks like only one - Maria - is single. Although, some may argue that Megan Fox is available since she married David Green from Beverly Hills 90210 (the ORIGINAL). Good luck honey!
My list? It changes all the time. While everyone is gaga over Brad Pitt..he just doesn't do it for me. He can have Angelina and their baseball team of a clan. Denzel Washington? He made an appearance...but I'm worried that, like all of his acting roles, it would be same old, same old. I need diversity Denzel. Sorry. You may be one of the Sexiest Men alive according to People...you have been knocked off my list.
Colin Ferrel? Nah. New James Bond dude? No thanks. Justin Bieber? ew. and jail bait. What about Johnny Depp? David Wooderson himself (aka: Matthew)? He doesn't use soap. Adrian Grenier from Entourage? Looks like he could be related to Jake Gyllenhall. Someone must have punched both of them in the face.
The question I am always asked by my husband - why not George Clooney? Because I always thought he was overrated. But, as I was getting ready today - which was hard to do with two dogs and a husband in the bathroom - I saw GC on the Today show. Beautiful. In fact, so beautiful that the following conversation transpired:
Husband: Honey, if I could rewind my life, I'd want to come back as George Clooney.
Me: Um, okay. Then we probably wouldn't be married.
Husband: (split second pause) Small price to pay.
I wouldn't want my husband to come back as George Clooney. My husband is perfect (and one the sexiest (normal) men alive) the way he is. But...that being said...GC has officially made it on my list.
1) Ed Burns (that has never nor will ever change)
2) Blair Underwood
3) Patrick Dempsey
4) Matthew Fox (awww...my husband and I have a Fox on our list)
5) George Clooney
There are many that were honorable mentions and they may creep back on the list. Note to Ryan Reynolds - if you wouldn't have married Scarlet Johansen, you would still be in the running.
My husband wants to rewind his life and come back as George Clooney. However, if he does that, he drops from being number one in my life to number five on a hypothetical wish list. Of course, that could still just be a small price to pay.
It's the list of five. The spousal privilege list. The list that I can not argue and, in turn, my husband can not divorce me over.
There are some general rules about the list.
1) People on the list can not be a neighbor, friend, co-worker or relative.
2) People on the list can not be reasonably attainable by person developing list.
3) People on the list must be celebrities in their own right.
4) Not mandatory, but people on the list have a beauty that is unattainable by normal people. (This point can be disputed by significant others but said viewpoint has no bearing on generated list).
I'm not quite sure who is on my husband's list today. Though it seems the people on the list get younger and younger. Or, perhaps, as Matthew McConaughey's character, David Wooderson says in Dazed and Confused, "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
My husband's list used to be all Ashley Judd with a little Kate Beckinsale thrown in. But, ever since she ripped his heart out (and thoroughly trampled on it) by marrying race car driver Dario Franchitti, 10 years ago...on his birthday.
If I were to guess, here is how my husband's list would be today:
1) Minka Kelly
2) Maria Menounos
3) Kate Beckinsale
4) Megan Fox
5) Jessica Biel or Alba (either will do)
Too bad for my husband, it looks like only one - Maria - is single. Although, some may argue that Megan Fox is available since she married David Green from Beverly Hills 90210 (the ORIGINAL). Good luck honey!
My list? It changes all the time. While everyone is gaga over Brad Pitt..he just doesn't do it for me. He can have Angelina and their baseball team of a clan. Denzel Washington? He made an appearance...but I'm worried that, like all of his acting roles, it would be same old, same old. I need diversity Denzel. Sorry. You may be one of the Sexiest Men alive according to People...you have been knocked off my list.
Colin Ferrel? Nah. New James Bond dude? No thanks. Justin Bieber? ew. and jail bait. What about Johnny Depp? David Wooderson himself (aka: Matthew)? He doesn't use soap. Adrian Grenier from Entourage? Looks like he could be related to Jake Gyllenhall. Someone must have punched both of them in the face.
The question I am always asked by my husband - why not George Clooney? Because I always thought he was overrated. But, as I was getting ready today - which was hard to do with two dogs and a husband in the bathroom - I saw GC on the Today show. Beautiful. In fact, so beautiful that the following conversation transpired:
Husband: Honey, if I could rewind my life, I'd want to come back as George Clooney.
Me: Um, okay. Then we probably wouldn't be married.
Husband: (split second pause) Small price to pay.
I wouldn't want my husband to come back as George Clooney. My husband is perfect (and one the sexiest (normal) men alive) the way he is. But...that being said...GC has officially made it on my list.
1) Ed Burns (that has never nor will ever change)
2) Blair Underwood
3) Patrick Dempsey
4) Matthew Fox (awww...my husband and I have a Fox on our list)
5) George Clooney
There are many that were honorable mentions and they may creep back on the list. Note to Ryan Reynolds - if you wouldn't have married Scarlet Johansen, you would still be in the running.
My husband wants to rewind his life and come back as George Clooney. However, if he does that, he drops from being number one in my life to number five on a hypothetical wish list. Of course, that could still just be a small price to pay.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A Joke That Needs Explaining...
Let's get something straight. I am not a comedian. I do not do stand up. I do not get paid to think up hilarious stories, off-the-wall jokes, or slapstick scenarios. But, I like to think I have a healthy sense of humor. Apparently, I'm wrong.
The other day, on my way to work, I went into a gas station to treat myself to a much-needed (cheap) coffee. This is a fairly routine move on my part, for if I didn't have my caffeine fix, dealing with stupid people all day would be detrimental to their health.
But something about that day was differrent. I poured my coffee, waited in line behind THAT guy who had to purchase every type of scratch off ticket known to Michigan. When I finally got up to the counter, the station clerk (all 18 years of her) looked like someone plucked every toenail out one by one THEN made her step in a vat of lemon juice.
"Is that all?" She looked dismissively at my 20 oz. coffee and I thought...what, am I supposed to spend $200 on pine tree scents for my car to get your approval?
"And the winning lottery ticket." Come on...that's witty. Albeit old and overused...but witty.
"Did you want a lottery ticket?" All the seriousness of a serial killer.
"Only if it's the winning one." (smile waning from face) hee hee?
"Do you want a lottery ticket or not?" Hide your kids. Hide your wife. 'Cause this gas station clerk is comin' for you. She's gonna find you. She's gonna find you. (Note: search Bed Intruder Song)
"Uh, no thanks." The joy of a steaming cup 'o Joe first thing in the morning trampled on by disgruntled gas station employees.
The moral of the story here is just because you think something is gut-wrenchingly funny, others may be too stupid to see the humor or too angry at the world to care. Then again, a joke that needs explaining (as has been done in this blog) isn't a very good joke in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I will continue to attempt to be funny. I will continue to cast my failing jokes on innocent people everywhere. I will continue to share my witty attempts with anyone...until someone pays me to shut up.
The other day, on my way to work, I went into a gas station to treat myself to a much-needed (cheap) coffee. This is a fairly routine move on my part, for if I didn't have my caffeine fix, dealing with stupid people all day would be detrimental to their health.
But something about that day was differrent. I poured my coffee, waited in line behind THAT guy who had to purchase every type of scratch off ticket known to Michigan. When I finally got up to the counter, the station clerk (all 18 years of her) looked like someone plucked every toenail out one by one THEN made her step in a vat of lemon juice.
"Is that all?" She looked dismissively at my 20 oz. coffee and I thought...what, am I supposed to spend $200 on pine tree scents for my car to get your approval?
"And the winning lottery ticket." Come on...that's witty. Albeit old and overused...but witty.
"Did you want a lottery ticket?" All the seriousness of a serial killer.
"Only if it's the winning one." (smile waning from face) hee hee?
"Do you want a lottery ticket or not?" Hide your kids. Hide your wife. 'Cause this gas station clerk is comin' for you. She's gonna find you. She's gonna find you. (Note: search Bed Intruder Song)
"Uh, no thanks." The joy of a steaming cup 'o Joe first thing in the morning trampled on by disgruntled gas station employees.
The moral of the story here is just because you think something is gut-wrenchingly funny, others may be too stupid to see the humor or too angry at the world to care. Then again, a joke that needs explaining (as has been done in this blog) isn't a very good joke in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I will continue to attempt to be funny. I will continue to cast my failing jokes on innocent people everywhere. I will continue to share my witty attempts with anyone...until someone pays me to shut up.
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