The Not-so-Clean Clean Freak

So, have I mentioned I'm not an expert? At anything? I'm good at some things. Writing. Cooking. Work. Dancing (if the white-man's overbite and the lawnmower count). But, I'm really not an expert at anything. Some days I'm glad - nobody has extremely high expectations of me on any one thing in particular. Some days I'm just pissed off.

Take today for example. After sending my husband off with a kiss to go take his GMAT, I decided to go to the store. I'm a pretty good navigator at the overly-frequented hoosier superstore. However, this morning I was not on my game. I tried to steer the cart with one arm, because I forgot to wear my sling and my broken bones haven't quite healed. I think I took out the ankles of two customers...but Herb? I was never in aisle 7! I usually write a list of things needed before embarking on a trip to the den of evil. Today, I didn't think I needed one. Go figure, when I got home, the main reason I went to the store is still sitting pretty on the supermarket shelf. But, I'm good at making do with what I have.

Then I decided to surprise my husband with a) a great meal to celebrate his completion of the GMAT, b) clean the house (which hasn't been clean for weeks) and c) walk the dogs. Have I mentioned that I only have one working arm?

I've always loved to cook. I'm no Julia Child or Rachael Ray. But, I can hold my own. I try to make dinner every night (unless I don't feel well or am too exhausted to pick up a knife). My husband is my guinea pig. And in his words I 'get it right' about 90% of the time. Not good enough to be an expert on the Food Network, but good enough for my husband. I hope he enjoys his beef kabobs tonight and the home-made ham and bean soup for weeks to come (I seemed to have made a recipe for 12).

When I finished cooking, the kitchen was a mess. That's when I decided my cleaning would be more than spot vacuuming and dusting. But first, I thought it would be smart to take the girls for a walk. I put KoKo on her 20-ft. leash and let Kaeli run. And run she did...right into me. I fell to the ground, still holding on to KoKo's leash. I got up, screamed at them to get into the house and felt it was best to take my anger out on the clutter in the kitchen.

I went full gusto - you could almost eat off the counters, but I wouldn't recommend it. After the kitchen, which wouldn't pass the test with Merry Maids, I decided to tackle the vacuuming. I got the carpet freshener out, sprinkled it on the floor and dragged the vacuum out of hiding.

The only thing I hate more than vacuuming...is vacuuming with one working arm. Trying to manuever the monster of a machine around corners to suck up the pounds of dog hair embedded into the carpet was a feat that could have won me thousands of dollars if someone were to videotape it and send it in. But as Carol Brady use to say, "It's all fun and games 'til someone gets hurt." I believe shortly after that Marsha got hit in the nose with a football.

I got the entire first floor done and began to work on the stairs. Big mistake. As I descended the stairs I glanced up to see the heavy Hoover heading my way. Instead of using my working arm to grab it or to just let it tumble down the stairs, I decided to try and reach for it with my still-broken arm. Ouch.

So, as I write, I'm staring at the toppled-over vacuum and sneezing up a storm because I may have overdone it on the carpet freshener. I'm so glad I decided to surprise my husband today. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he see's the half-cleaned house, the kicked-in vacuum cleaner and the home-made soup currently burning on the stove.

No, I'm not an expert. But if anyone has a problem with my mediocre abilities, feel free to hire Mary Poppins to clean my house, Rachael Ray to be my chef and Cesar Millan (the dog whisperer) to walk my dogs. I have absolutely no problem with becoming an expert in mediocrity!