When Sports Get Shotgun in the Ride of Life

I'm a football widow. Actually, I'm a widow when it comes to all things sports. Baseball season? Widow. Football season? Widow. Basketball season? Widow. Golf? With Tiger out, who knows? With hockey, it depends on the teams playing. Upcoming Winter Olympics? Not even a question. In fact, it's just a matter of time before bowling and beach volleyball on ESPN get to ride shotgun in my house while I enjoy the view from the backseat - preferably with the window down.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is the best. But, he's a guy. You put anything involving sports or scantily clad women on the television and you can literally see a man with an IQ at genius level turn into a bumbling, drooling adolescent with the attention span of a 5 year old with ADHD.

I love sports. I love the excitement. I love watching a baseball game at an open stadium, cheering for my football team in the stands and feeling the energy rise as the thump of the ball on the court turns into the sound of a three-point 'swoosh'. But I can take or leave those three sports on television. The exception is the Super Bowl. I love the game (when one of my teams actually makes it that far) as well as the commercials. But what I loved the most was when my husband and I would throw our annual Super Bowl parties. Football, food, friends and fun - not to mention the alcohol.

That's the way to watch a game. Other than that, I just get bored. As far as golf is concerned, I get bored just thinking of golf. Golf is a slow-paced sport. You sit around and watch one guy try to hit one ball into one hole. Let's make it interesting, people. Where's the defense? The sandtraps and bodies of water? What if when Nicholson was getting ready to putt, he all of a sudden has to dodge a man twice his side in order to get the ball in the hole. No amount of silence is going to help you there.

Sports to me should involve physical contact. Chess is not a sport. Bowling is not a sport. Poker is not a sport - unless they made it so Daniel Negreanu had to arm wrestle Phil Ivey before claiming the pot. And gymnastics will never, ever be a sport. That's a competition. Checkers is a game. Cheerleading is glorified dance, which is a show. And cooking - even though they've tried to make it a sport with the likes of Iron Chef - is a necessity, something one does to eat and survive.

In order to keep my attention enough to watch a game, I have to feel involved. What benefit is it to me that some 250-pound guy, who gets paid millions to be hit for a living, catches a ball thrown to him because absolutely NOBODY was near him? I want to see the guy work for his paycheck. Tackle him. Smash his shoulder to the ground. Make him bleed. I want to see some fierce, helmet to helmet contact.

Perhaps I have ADHD. I hate sitting still. I hate being bored.

So while my husband and all other manly men of the world enjoy their sports in High Definition, I will be keeping busy doing something important. I will get things accomplished. I will not be bored and I will keep my brain stimulated.

I will feed into my web addiction and write my blog...making my husband an Internet widower.