My Birthday Wish

Another year older and deeper in debt. That's what's going through my mind today.

That and the fact that I am blessed beyond belief.

I don't live in a mansion - I don't need to.

I don't drive a Lexus - I don't want to.

I don't own millions of dollars - I don't have to.

I am proud to be a small business owner. I am honored to have people and businesses trust our talents. I am happy to have the flexibility to work as hard as I want but still be able to pick my son up from school and attend his extra curricular activities.

I don't need gifts (though wine is nice). I don't need for anything. I have a roof over my head. I have food on my table. I have a husband who loves me. A son who hugs me. Three doggies who depend on me (and give unconditional love). I have all of my faculties. I am able to work. I am able to play. I am able to love and I am able to be loved.

My birthday wish list is simple and they are things I can not control:

1. To have the continued love and support of my husband and son.
2. To make my parents proud.
3. To make my siblings proud to have me as a sister.
4. To have my friends know that I am loyal and have their backs.
5. To be respected and loved for who I am and not what people think I should or could be.

I live a simple life - simply awesome. I can not think of any tangible thing (except wine or the winning lottery ticket) making me feel more blessed than the people (and animals) in my life.

May all your birthdays be as blessed as mine. And not to sound selfish...I REALLY hope I get everything on my birthday wish list!

Not a Victim. Nor a 'Survivor'. Just a Gal With a Past.

Many people will be celebrating this holiday weekend with friends and family - celebrating Independence Day. A day of Freedom. While the holiday is typically synonymous with family gatherings, fun road trips, backyard barbecues and fireworks, for me it hasn't always been that way.

Twenty one years ago this holiday weekend I was raped. I can say that word confidently, no longer hanging my head in shame. No longer feeling it was my fault or that I asked for it. I do not seek pity. I do not seek 'heroism'. I am not a rape 'survivor'. I will never call myself a rape 'victim'. I happen to be someone who was raped - as unfortunate as it is...it just is.

This weekend used to be difficult for me. I remember the first time my husband and I traveled to the St. Louis area for a minor league ball game. It was over the Fourth of July weekend and my anxiety was so high, it was hard for me to enjoy the game. Eight years had passed at that point, but I had yet to travel to the area where my innocence, my freedom was taken. I couldn't talk about it then...the guilt still consumed me.

Three months after the 'incident', my rapist (who was my boyfriend at the time) called to say that he was engaged (he was four years older than me) to the gal he cheated on me with. Yeah him. He got to move on. I was forced to move home, take a semester off school, and try to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. The answer? NOTHING was wrong with me. It was him.

One year after ex-fucker (my husband's and my nickname for him) got married, I got a call from his wife's attorney...asking if I'd testify on her behalf. Apparently, the charming white knight beat the crap out of her and she was clinging to life. Thankfully she survived.

My rapist went to jail, but not for my rape. I was one of the many young women who didn't report my rape. But I knew, at the age of 24, that I couldn't let him get away with hurting someone else. I testified. I drove to St. Louis by myself, the longest two-hour drive of my life. I got up on the stand and answered all of the questions in which the prosecutor had prepared me for. I sat there, with the devil smirking at me. I sat there, with his loving mother crying and trying to smile encouragingly at me (she did not raise her son this way. Her adopted son was evil, she claimed).

I told the court about his controlling ways. No sir, he never punched me. Yes sir, he did slap me. Yes sir, at times I feared for my life. Yes, if he didn't want me to leave the room, he would block my space, not let me get around him and would twist my arm around when he finally side-stepped. Did he mistreat animals? Yes sir. He gave me his Boxer, whom he treated poorly. I brought Boomer back to school with me. He drove to my college and took her back and attempted to rape me for the second time. The second time? Asked the prosecutor. Yes sir.

I tried to keep my composure as I relayed the incidents of the Fourth of July weekend. I tried not to look up. I did not shake. I did not cry. And then the defense asked why, if I was raped, didn't I report it. And I responded...because I feared that what he did to Jane (not her real name) he would do to me.

My rapist went to jail. He was sentenced to only six months with time served (three months). I had three months to enjoy my freedom. I went to Norway and when I came back, I was working in Jefferson City. I went to get a restraining order and was told that since he posed no threat to me, I could not obtain one.

Ex-fucker got out of jail two days after my birthday. He called to wish me a happy birthday. That he found my number in the phone book (panic set in because my address was on the listing too). I, again, tried to get a restraining order. That failed.

Two weeks later ex-fucker showed up to my apartment. He wanted to 'thank me' for sending him to jail. That he really enjoyed it. I called 9-1-1. The cops showed up. He spent the night in jail. I tried again for a restraining order. It was in the process when I got another call from ex-fucker.

It was October 29, two days before his (appropriate) Halloween birthday. He called to thank me again for sending him to jail. That I was a bitch. He killed himself that night.

My rapist is dead. And even in death he tried to make me feel like shit. At the time, I felt a bit of guilt, but mostly relief. He could never harass me again. He could never hurt anyone again. I mourned for his mother, who lost her son.

My rapist went to jail for a crime other than rape. My rapist is dead at his own hands. The worst thing I can do is to fear July 4 and October 29. He took enough away from me, he didn't and doesn't deserve that.

Now, I look forward to July 4 celebrations with my family and October 29 is really the best day ever because my son was born on that day.

I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am just a gal, a wife, a mom who danced with the devil to soar with the angels.

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, abused or are in an unhealthy relationship - get help. Without my friends Mark Mlynarczyk, Jill Potts, Frank Daniel Reller and Fr. Michael Mulhearn, my story might have had a different ending. Much love to my husband, Rick Stoneking for showing me love and patience through all of my trigger moments!

Intolerant of Intolerance

Once again we are bombarded by images of disaster and destruction, lives lost. Why? Because of an 'intolerant', cowardly, yet pompous jack-ass' unwillingness to accept others. To him and the individual who chose to drive halfway across the country to wreak havoc at an LA Pride Parade (and all other racist, homophobic, closed-minded, holier-than-thou faces of evil) I say: I, too, am intolerant.

I am intolerant of people, like you, who think you are better than anybody and/or everyone else. I am intolerant of the senseless acts of violence, claiming innocent lives. Who are you? And why do you think you have the right to take another's life? What made you get in a car, drive halfway across the country to insert yourself into the lives of people you wouldn't dare get to know? What went through your mind when you walked through the door of a nightclub with the clear intent to inflict mass harm and terror?

I can not believe there is a God that welcomes such evil with open arms. I can not believe there is a God who thinks it's okay to not only judge, but to kill, individuals of a different religion, race, gender or sexuality. I am sorry you are so unhappy with your life. I am sorry that you have become society's bully. I am sorry that you will never experience the joy that so many of those you discriminate against celebrate everyday. Their joy is not for you to take away.

Yes, this is a gun issue. Yes, this is a terrorism (domestic and international) issue. Yes, this is a hate crime issue. But, most of all, it's a humanity issue!

I am a white mother of a beautiful black son. I have a husband who loves me despite all of my flaws. And if our son comes to us one day and bravely states that he is gay, we will love him, hug him and welcome his future partner/husband with open arms. I have a gay sister-in-law, a gay brother-in-law, Jewish friends, Catholic friends, Christian friends and agnostic friends. I have nieces and nephews that are basically the united colors of Benetton. We work hard to pay our bills, struggle some months - but we are rich with love and happiness. I am sorry that you will never experience that.

We live in a country where men and women fight for our freedom for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We have freedom of speech and religion. We do not, however, have freedom to take others' lives because we don't agree with their 'lifestyle'. We are all born a certain way. There is no choice in race, gender or sexuality. However, YOU made a choice to bring evil to life.

I am intolerant of intolerance. I don't care who you are, what you are or where you are. You were born no better than me and I was born no better than you. I chose love. You chose hate. I chose acceptance. You chose ignorance.

I will go to bed tonight thanking MY God that I did not turn out like you. I will go to bed tonight praying to MY God that my son never turns out like you. But, even at 6 years old, he knows it is not right to take another person's life. I am sorry that you chose a path of hatred. I am sorry that you grew up intolerant of others not like you.

I do not pity you. I am intolerant of you and others like you who confuse CHOICE (your act) with BIRTHRIGHT. And I stand with all of my homosexual, bi-sexual, transgender, black, white, brown, Jewish, Catholic, Christian, Atheist and Agnostic friends to end the ignorance. #IntolerantOfIntolerance

The Mommy Consultant

As owner of SK Consulting and a mother of a five-year-old boy, I am constantly reminded of how many similarities and overlaps there are between my personal and professional lives. To me, there is no distinct line differentiating 'stay-at-home' mom and working mom. In fact, I believe that a 'stay-at-home' mom IS a working mom...continually building her resume and adding to her portfolio.

Planning and Organization
As a strategic marketing consultant, I help small businesses to streamline their processes to effectively and efficiently reach and/or exceed their goals. Without a clear, agreed-upon plan, the business will not succeed. Spinning wheels are not good unless they're heading in a clearly-defined direction.

As a mom, I set up the calendar and the schedules so that the family can reach and/or exceed our goals. Without an agreed-upon schedule, family members will be pulled in all different directions and quality time will suffer. Spinning wheels are not good unless they're heading to daycare on time.

Minimizing Costs
As a strategic marketing consultant, I am hired to help businesses look at their expenditures and return on investments (ROI). I provide market and internal analysis and outline cost-saving measures. The goal is to help my clients maximize their profits while minimizing their costs.

As a mom, a major priority is to work within a budget. I do the shopping - looking for in-store sales and clipping coupons. I help determine what the family needs (clothes, food, gas, insurance) and monitor our budget to allow for occasional luxuries. It's okay to be frugal, but don't be cheap.


Social Media
As a strategic marketing consultant, I utilize social media sites to implement a comprehensive communications plan and promote the services of the companies I represent. I help the businesses determine which sites are most relevant to their mission, set up the sites and strategically post to these sites to help my clients maximize their exposure. In the professional world, social media helps the general public keep up to date on what is being offered by businesses around the world.

As a mom, I utilize social media sites to keep family and friends abreast of what is happening in my world. I use these sites to share with friends and family near and far about my family's progress. We use this free media not in place of, but addition to face-to-face time that we can't always afford. These sites also keep us informed of what is happening in the lives of our friends and family around the world.

"Mom, where are my shoes?"
"They're in the closet where they're supposed to be."

"Honey, can you pick up my prescriptions?"
"I already did. They're on the counter."

"Do we have plans for the weekend?"
"They're on the calendar. Soccer, birthday party, visit to Grandma and Grandpa's."

Moms are inherently organized. We are multi-taskers. We are care-takers. Our proudest moments are when our families are happy and healthy. So, to all mothers out there, be proud of the work you do. There are many people depending on you - the mommy consultant!

Success Comes in the Form of a MOOSE

The moose is the largest species in the elk family. And while their population has been largely reduced to the Alaska, Canada and Scandinavian regions, they are fighters - refusing to become extinct. They fall prey to wolves, bears...and humans. But, they are survivors....they continue to thrive. Though this is an interesting tidbit of information, MOOSE - in business - does not refer to the beautiful and unique relative of the deer.

A moose does possess certain qualities that can contribute to success (fighter of extinction), but you don't want someone to call you a moose, do you?

There are many ways you can measure an organization's or individual's success. You can use high-tech methods of analytics - measuring return on investments, bottom-line figures and the type of suit he/she wears. But, in order to become successful, an organization and its employees should apply the MOOSE philosophy.

M - Mission. Every organization and every human should have a mission. This mission outlines core values and sets the tone and direction in which you or your company strives to go. Without a clear-cut mission, goals and objectives are hard to define.

O - Objective(s). What is the goal that you are trying to reach? After the mission is decided, concrete objectives need to be outlined. Are these objectives attainable? Are they in line with your values and mission? Both companies and individuals alike need to be true to their mission when setting objectives, otherwise success will be harder to obtain.

O - Organization. If your thoughts and processes are not organized, streamlined and implemented in a way that is effective and efficient, you will spend more time spinning your wheels than getting work done. Needs assessment falls under organization. Do you have the right funding, the right staff, the right policies, the right course of action? Does everything flow in the right direction to meet and exceed your objectives?

S - Strategy. Once you have defined your mission, determined your objectives and developed organizational processes...it is time to develop your plan. How will you meet your objectives? I am a firm believer that a company can not succeed without a strategic business plan. Incorporated into that plan should be a comprehensive marketing plan which must include a detailed communications (internal and external) plan. These plans help you prepare for different scenarios (i.e. crisis, loss of revenue, new product/service expansion). Help your target audience, and the general public, understand and believe that you are better than your competition.

E - Energy. You can't sell yourself or your organization or your organization's products/services if you do not believe. Be excited and passionate about your mission, your objective, your organization and your strategic plan. Your energy will rub off on potential customers, clients, employers...friends. Your energy will attract people to you.

Everybody, every business, every organization....every species fights for their place in the world. Employing MOOSE will help you not only survive, but thrive. Like a moose.

Standing Out in an Over-Saturated Market

With the unemployment rate still hovering at 6.1 percent, it is no secret that finding and keeping a job is a difficult task. Add to that, companies are being asked to cut budgets, cut services and do more work with less resources. So what is an unemployed person to do? And what about those who are working two or three jobs to make ends meet? Or the over-qualified candidate busting his/her butt to keep an entry-level job?

Stand out. Make you and your talents known. Network. Follow up. Be available. Be knowledgeable. Be professional.

The advice that others give (notably those who are employed as recruiters, headhunters and HR executives) is to stand out, to get noticed. I am not an HR expert, but I have done my fair share of reviewing resumes, conducting interviews and extending offers to the chosen few. Nor am I a life coach, though I have given advice to many that has resulted in positive conclusions. However, I have to poke a hole in the HR philosophy to 'stand out' and put my life coach hat on: Don't just stand out, stand up.

Whether you are looking for a job or want to move up in your existing job, you have to prove that you are better than everyone else. No need to be cocky, just confident. Size up your 'competition' and figure out what you have to offer that would benefit an organization more than the other guy. Stand up and make those positive distinctions known. The jobs, the clients, the promotions don't just come to you - you have to stand up and get them.

We live in a time and culture where everyone has a Master's degree, a PhD or five degrees. Individuals are staying in the workforce longer (too afraid to retire), employers are streamlining their processes to eliminate redundancies and businesses are running with bare-boned staff to ensure that they operate in the black. So, how can YOU help their business?

Be creative. Showcase your portfolio. Go retro and send personal, handwritten, snail-mail notes. Be needed. Everyone is 'replaceable'. Make it harder for them to replace you. There is no need to be an Atlas...to take on all projects, but be involved in as many as you can so that you can take over if needed. Stand up and take on as much as you can without negatively affecting the work you do.

Be personable. Nobody wants to hire a negative Nellie. You could be the Steve Jobs of your field, but if you are not engaging or if you are prone to criticize (not constructively) or gossip instead of work....you will NOT land or keep a job.

You are at your best when you are you. Stand up and let employers know your value.

Sales professionals don't get clients to sign by blasting their competition or (shockingly) their own product or service. They don't sign clients who possess an air of arrogance and lack passion for the product or service they are selling. They sign because the representative was prepared, knowledgeable, professional, engaging and explained why their product/service "stands out". They stand up to stand out.

If you are interviewing for jobs - hang in there. Continue to stand up. The right job will come your way. If you have a job, stand up to stand out from the crowd. Prove yourself by being yourself. Work for a business or an individual who values YOU.

In this day and age, it isn't shocking anymore that the guy who is serving you at McDonald's probably has a PhD in economics. Do not lean on your degrees to get or maintain a job. Lean on your talents, your contacts, your family and friends. They can help you stand out in an over-saturated market. But only you can stand up and successfully land the job or promotion.

Interview Process Etiquette - It's Not Just for Candidates

Though the unemployment rate 'improved' to 6.1 percent last month, more than 9.5 million Americans are still without work. While some may view this as a victory because there are 325,000 less people without work, the number still seeking a job is staggering. This means that employers are at an advantage. They have their pick of the litter.

More often than not, for every job posted, employers will see more than 100 applications come through. A candidate's job is to set themselves apart from the crowd. Highlight their strengths, customize their skill set and promote what they can bring to the job/business they are applying to. The employer's job is to weed out the ones who would not be a good fit and narrow the pool to qualified candidates.

Once a candidate has reached the interview stage - both candidate AND employer must and should engage in a game of professional etiquette. Unfortunately, many employers forget Manners 101 and treat their candidates like second class citizens. These employers should note that the majority of the candidates applying for a position within your organization are serious - they are treating finding a job as a full-time job and you should treat them with respect.

Rules for Candidates seeking a job:
1. Update your resume - customize it for the position and company
2. Provide examples of successes in your resume and cover letter
3. Be prepared for the interview - anticipate employer questions and prepare a list of questions
4. Make eye contact, be courteous, give a firm handshake at the end of the meeting
5. Ask when they expect to follow up or fill the position
6. Follow up with a thank you email and card to person you interviewed with (wait a day or two)
7. If you have not received a follow up from the employer within 10 days, follow up with a positive note
8. Continue applying for other jobs

Rules for Employers seeking a qualified candidate:
1. Be honest in your job posting - Title, Responsibilities, Pay
2. Be timely in your response to an applicant - even an automated email stating the application was received is better than nothing
3. Review all applications - do not just look at applications sent by contacts, family members, friends, referrals
4. Narrow your second interview to those who really stand a chance (they should have been thoroughly vetted in the first interview)
5. Be prepared for the interview - you are the boss - know what you want to ask the candidate and be prepared for questions the candidates may ask of you. Know the candidate's resume and qualifications. It is unprofessional to read the resume at the start of the interview.
6. Make eye contact, be courteous, give a firm handshake at the end of the meeting
7. Know when you will follow up and expect to fill the position
8. FOLLOW UP with the candidates you have interviewed

Number eight is crucially important. A candidate MUST not give up and should keep applying to jobs that fit their skill sets. An employer MUST follow up with candidates in which they felt were good enough to warrant an interview.

However, when a hiring manager or HR specialist DOES follow up, they need to understand that they are dealing with individuals who are anxious for work and will be disappointed and hard enough on themselves for not getting the job. You do NOT need to pour salt in the wound. My husband and I call these rejection letters FOAD letters and everyone has received one at some point in their lives. (FOAD stands for "F" Off And Die)

Real (positive)example of a FOAD letter: "Dear Ms. Stoneking, Thank you for your interest in X company. While your talents and skills are impressive, we have decided to go in another direction. Best of luck to you in your job search. Sincerely, HR Director"

Real (negative and unnecessary) example of a FOAD letter: "Dear Ms. Stoneking, Thank you for your interest in X Company. does not feel that you are a good fit for this company. You will not be moving to the next step in our interview process. Please visit our website for other opportunities."

First of all, I did not name the company in the second example because I exhibit professional courtesy. But, I believe if the hiring manager would have looked at my resume, he would have seen that I was overqualified which is why I was there as a consultant, not as an applicant. Second, if I wasn't a good fit for the company after speaking with them twice (as a consultant, remember) WHY would I want to (or would they want me to) look on their website for other opportunities?

Employers, you have an obligation to know the interview and hiring process. You have an obligation to employ interview process etiquette. If you are unsure of what that statement means, then I am unsure of how you got into the position you are in. One thing I am sure of is this: Candidates, if you do all of the things expected of you in the application and interview process, you WILL get the job you are meant to get eventually. If you are unemployed, keep at it. Looking for a job is a full-time job. And if you continue to exude professional courtesy, you will no longer be one of 9.5 million unemployed in America. You will just be one in a million!