10 Tips to Surviving Western KANSAS

There are so many things to write about. It has been too long. My mind has been too 'busy'. My time has been too occupied. So, excuse me if my writing antics aren't as stellar as days of yore. While some things get better with age...me and my time management skills have not. I digress.

After making a four-hour trek today to the 10th Circle of Hell (Western Kansas), I started thinking that though my job takes up much of my brain capacity, I can still contribute to society. I can help others by highly encouraging them (begging, pleading, using any means available) to run, drive, hang-glide far, far away from Western Kansas. Actually, anything past Lawrence - though my car starts to convulse and shake when driving through Jayhawk territory -I actively preach to anyone with more than six teeth to get on a plane and fly to the Colorado border.

Unless you are a bible-thumping, close-minded, small-town, prejudice, gun-toting fanatic, you will feel more than slightly uncomfortable 'passing through'. Not to mention they mix Broncos and Chiefs paraphanelia on the SAME shelf. So, having a job that provides me with frequent trips out West, I have become well-versed in how to keep my sanity while dealing with the insane.

1. Bring your own alcohol. Pack a cooler. Inject your sandwich meat. Stock up on Robitussin. However you are able to achieve some level of alcohol content...do it.

2. Ignore the billboards. Put on loud music (see pointer #3). Focus on the horse trailer ahead of you, count hay bales. Do NOT focus on the over-sized billboards of Jesus telling you that you will go to hell, so pack accordingly.

3. Bring your own music. Unless you like to hear farm reports and how many points the corn market has fallen...you will be bored to a slow, painful death.

4. Frump yourself down. It's bad enough you have all of your teeth. But, the fact that you are not morbidly obese rubs some people the wrong way.

5. If you are white and have a friend, family member or loved one who is NOT...stay home. It is unheard of to walk into a store, gas station, etc. with someone of a different color (note: my son is obviously not white...he does NOT travel with his albino mother to the din of evil).

6. Fill up your gas tank before you head West. Bring an extra gas can. There is no thing for miles. And the shady gas station that is open is something straight out of Deliverance.

7. If you are staying overnight, make sure you stay at a reputable chain and check comments. (see prior posts)

8. Bring a book. People might look at you like you just graduated from Harvard. But, there is NOTHING on television or in the local 4-page newspaper. Keep your brain stimulated.

9. Don't try to be friendly. Though KANSAS is supposed to exude the Midwest, friendly, open-door demeanor. It does not. Misconception. Just because KANSAS IS the armpit of America and resides right smack-dab in the middle of the Midwest does NOT mean it is made up of friendly people (hold the door open for someone for fuck's sake).

10. Don't go. Unless your life, your job or a loved one's life depends on it (and you'd better really love them), get out of it. Don't travel through Western Kansas if you don't have to. Get some other sucker to do it. And if traveling to the wonderful, beautiful, liberal state of Colorado...fly!

* Note: If any (of the 10) readers take personal offense to this posting, then you obviously do not know sarcasm...and should move to Western Kansas!