I have stated before and I'll state again, I am not an expert. But, when it comes to movie-watching, my husband and I are the closest you can get without officially having that title. We've seen every new, recently new or straight-to-DVD new movie that you can imagine. Even the really bad National Lampoon's Blonde Bimbo movies.
So last night, using our brand new BluRay player, we decided to watch the movie SALT. The premise was good. The acting was fine. The storyline wasn't even too bad. However - SPOILER ALERT - there are spiders.
For all you fellow arachnophobes, don't watch the movie. Don't even attempt it. Unless you watch it with someone who has already seen it and can tell you the PRECISE moment to turn away? Don't watch the movie.
There I was, enjoying the first scene, when out of nowhere a big-ass tarantula appears in a glass jar. Relevant to the scene? NO! Then in the next scene, smaller spiders, more of the black widow or brown recluse size. Did we need an extreme closeup? NO!
My body started to shake, I started becoming paralyzed and I felt that incessant need to throw up. My husband, knowing my phobia, asked me if I was okay. And it wasn't the sarcastic, REALLY? It's just a movie, are you okay. He knew it wasn't funny.
Were the spiders an essental part of the film? Well, the thing wasn't called Spiders or Arachnophobia, now was it? There was a small, small part that a mere reference to spiders was needed. Certainly not worthy of multiple closeup shots.
Regardless, the movie sucked. With all its superstar power, it sucked. Spiders aside, it still sucked. But, they did open it up for the potential for Salt 2. So excited. Perhaps it will feature freaky-ass clowns.
The movie did leave an impact on me though. As with any time I see, hear mention of or just read the word spider...I couldn't sleep. It's not that I had nightmares. I had THE nightmare. The one that has plagued me since childhood. One that stars me hiding in a small closet in the attic (let's get real subconscious...where the hell do you think spiders are most likely to reside?)being attacked by plastic spider rings.
Why the plastic spider rings and not real spiders? I blame the scary-ass clowns at my childhood birthday parties.
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