SALT - Not Good for Your Health

I have stated before and I'll state again, I am not an expert. But, when it comes to movie-watching, my husband and I are the closest you can get without officially having that title. We've seen every new, recently new or straight-to-DVD new movie that you can imagine. Even the really bad National Lampoon's Blonde Bimbo movies.

So last night, using our brand new BluRay player, we decided to watch the movie SALT. The premise was good. The acting was fine. The storyline wasn't even too bad. However - SPOILER ALERT - there are spiders.

For all you fellow arachnophobes, don't watch the movie. Don't even attempt it. Unless you watch it with someone who has already seen it and can tell you the PRECISE moment to turn away? Don't watch the movie.

There I was, enjoying the first scene, when out of nowhere a big-ass tarantula appears in a glass jar. Relevant to the scene? NO! Then in the next scene, smaller spiders, more of the black widow or brown recluse size. Did we need an extreme closeup? NO!

My body started to shake, I started becoming paralyzed and I felt that incessant need to throw up. My husband, knowing my phobia, asked me if I was okay. And it wasn't the sarcastic, REALLY? It's just a movie, are you okay. He knew it wasn't funny.

Were the spiders an essental part of the film? Well, the thing wasn't called Spiders or Arachnophobia, now was it? There was a small, small part that a mere reference to spiders was needed. Certainly not worthy of multiple closeup shots.

Regardless, the movie sucked. With all its superstar power, it sucked. Spiders aside, it still sucked. But, they did open it up for the potential for Salt 2. So excited. Perhaps it will feature freaky-ass clowns.

The movie did leave an impact on me though. As with any time I see, hear mention of or just read the word spider...I couldn't sleep. It's not that I had nightmares. I had THE nightmare. The one that has plagued me since childhood. One that stars me hiding in a small closet in the attic (let's get real subconscious...where the hell do you think spiders are most likely to reside?)being attacked by plastic spider rings.

Why the plastic spider rings and not real spiders? I blame the scary-ass clowns at my childhood birthday parties.

Benefits of Dealing with Stupid People

I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. Nor am I the nicest, most patient person of all time. But, I am not an idiot and I am not too mean either. Today, my patience was tested. The war between stupid people and me waged on. And for once, I was victorious in a single battle.

I hate stopping for coffee before work in the morning, especially when the temperatures are cold enough to freeze your snot. However, the two hours of sleep I was actually able to get last night would definitely not get me through the day. And the ignorant people at work would have definitely been decapitated had I not stopped for my caffeine fix.

The experience at the podunk, white trash gas station was strange to say the least. Frustrating, yes. Monetarily beneficial, surprising.

Clerk: Is that all?
Me: Yes.
Clerk: That'll be $3.23
Me: I hand the clerk a $20 bill
Clerk: She hands me $6.77 change
Me: Oh, um, I gave you a $20
Clerk: No, you handed me $15.
Me: No, I handed you a $20 dollar bill.
Clerk: No, you handed me $15.
Me: Well, if I gave you $15, the change would still be wrong. I gave you a $20.
Clerk: I could have sworn you gave me $15.
Me: If I had $15, I would have just given you the $5 for a $3.23 total
Clerk: Whatever

The clerk then handed me a $20 dollar bill and asked to help the next person in line. So, THANK YOU stupid person for giving me a free coffee, soda AND $6.77.

Before you think bad of me for keeping the $6.77 and not engaging in another discussion as to why I was handing the money back to her - there were people waiting in line. So, while the stupidity of the employee cost them more than the said $6.77, I saved them potentially-lost revenue by leaving when I did. I mean, how long would you stand in a line waiting for a stupid person to check you out?

You're welcome Speedway. I may have benefited from your stupid employee, but you benefited from my unwillingness to continue a stupid dialogue with your stupid employee.